I wasn't expecting all daughters. As a teenager, I always imagined myself raising boys. But since when do things happen as we imagined them? We were blessed to have three daughters in 4 years. I constantly say that it is the greatest thing that ever happened to us.
Now that they're almost all teenagers, I'm wondering...
As my husband and experience keep reminding me, while I'm covering my ears and humming loudly in a fruitless attempt at denial, being a great mom of great girls all comes down to example.
I love being a mother and wife. I love staying home and doing all the things my mom did for me, and my husband's mom did for him. It is an abundant life, & I am so grateful. But so many times I find myself expressing frustration, saying no, and reminding my girls of all they ways they're falling short. I wonder if my girls think I enjoy being a mom...and if they look forward to being mothers, too.
Starting this blog filled a few purposes. One of them is to embark on a joint venture with my teenage daughter(s). They are smart, talented, & have such great ideas, and I wanted a place where we could share that together. Another purpose is for me to reconnect with what I love so much: being a mother. Not the maid or the cook, taxi driver, or nanny. I am all those things, but the "sprinkles" that make it magic are that I'm their mother. And I love them.
Sometimes I get stuck in the "tough strong woman" role. Accomplishing tasks becomes my focus, at the expense of the peace & contentment of our home, usually. The softness and love disappear to make way for the check-list beast.
I love this quote & I look at it often:
I love this quote & I look at it often:
“Women of God can never be like women of the world. The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined. We have enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith. We have enough greed; we need more goodness. We have enough vanity; we need more virtue. We have enough popularity; we need more purity.” Margaret D. Nadauld (read the entire article here)
Whether you are religious or not, this rings true for all of us. These qualities are the leavener, or seasonings, that make all the roles we as women fill become sweeter, fuller, & more meaningful.
Over the past few years I've come to recognize a few simple truths in our life with our daughters. When mornings go swerving off into a fiery pileup of confusion & tears, or bedtime becomes a riot requiring smoke bombs & a big stick, I can usually point to one of these things and say: "yep. I should'a done that".
1. Be consistent. Nothing confuses them more than when you take their phone away for one infraction or one child, but not another similar time. They are too smart and they can spot waffling from a mile away. And they will use it against you.
2. Don't yell. Walk away. Because you know she won't. Smile. Count to 10. Nothing destroys the atmosphere like a yelling match, which it WILL become.
3. Set boundaries, and let the rest go. Curfew, phone rules, and disrespect are no-nos. Weird hair, borrowing your shirts, messy rooms, and less-than-ideal teeth brushing, as difficult as they are to ignore, try to just let them go. Nitpicking makes them feel defensive and attacked. Provide more opportunities for them to have success than failure.
4. Be willing to admit when you're wrong. Daughters are smart. They see hypocrisy and know when you are wrong, the real times, not just when they aren't getting their way. Be willing to say sorry, admit when you've made a mistake, & change your behavior,
5. Have fun together. Spend time away from home, without spending money. Set up daddy/daughter or mother/daughter dates. Hike, walk, sit at a park, drive. Step away from the responsibilities and madness and soak in her amazing personality & beauty.
6. Smile & laugh more. Don't let your smile, laugh & humor be as rare as a sighting of dodo. You make others, & yourself, happy when you act happy. Let yourself be happy in their presence.
7. Use kind & uplifting words. If you think it's scary to hear your toddlers repeat what you say. Brace yourself. With your daughters & teens, it's terrifying. They love you and mimic you. It's never too late to be a great example.
8. Be available. Even if it's 10:30 pm & they were supposed to be in bed an hour ago. If they get chatty, be there.
9. Give them your full attention. As annoying as it is to you for her to be on her phone in your presence, it's 10x more annoying to her when you're on yours. It doesn't matter how little time you spend on your device or how important your business is, put it away when you're together. Ask questions, get her to elaborate, look her in the eyes. Too often I hear myself saying "short version, please".
10. Cheer them on. Compliment them. A lot. Encourage them. Be their biggest fan. Ask for their opinions. Validate them as girls & women. Show unflagging interest in whatever they are doing or saying. Get out your cowbells & ring with both hands.
Over the past few years I've come to recognize a few simple truths in our life with our daughters. When mornings go swerving off into a fiery pileup of confusion & tears, or bedtime becomes a riot requiring smoke bombs & a big stick, I can usually point to one of these things and say: "yep. I should'a done that".
1. Be consistent. Nothing confuses them more than when you take their phone away for one infraction or one child, but not another similar time. They are too smart and they can spot waffling from a mile away. And they will use it against you.
2. Don't yell. Walk away. Because you know she won't. Smile. Count to 10. Nothing destroys the atmosphere like a yelling match, which it WILL become.
3. Set boundaries, and let the rest go. Curfew, phone rules, and disrespect are no-nos. Weird hair, borrowing your shirts, messy rooms, and less-than-ideal teeth brushing, as difficult as they are to ignore, try to just let them go. Nitpicking makes them feel defensive and attacked. Provide more opportunities for them to have success than failure.
4. Be willing to admit when you're wrong. Daughters are smart. They see hypocrisy and know when you are wrong, the real times, not just when they aren't getting their way. Be willing to say sorry, admit when you've made a mistake, & change your behavior,
5. Have fun together. Spend time away from home, without spending money. Set up daddy/daughter or mother/daughter dates. Hike, walk, sit at a park, drive. Step away from the responsibilities and madness and soak in her amazing personality & beauty.
6. Smile & laugh more. Don't let your smile, laugh & humor be as rare as a sighting of dodo. You make others, & yourself, happy when you act happy. Let yourself be happy in their presence.
7. Use kind & uplifting words. If you think it's scary to hear your toddlers repeat what you say. Brace yourself. With your daughters & teens, it's terrifying. They love you and mimic you. It's never too late to be a great example.
8. Be available. Even if it's 10:30 pm & they were supposed to be in bed an hour ago. If they get chatty, be there.
9. Give them your full attention. As annoying as it is to you for her to be on her phone in your presence, it's 10x more annoying to her when you're on yours. It doesn't matter how little time you spend on your device or how important your business is, put it away when you're together. Ask questions, get her to elaborate, look her in the eyes. Too often I hear myself saying "short version, please".
10. Cheer them on. Compliment them. A lot. Encourage them. Be their biggest fan. Ask for their opinions. Validate them as girls & women. Show unflagging interest in whatever they are doing or saying. Get out your cowbells & ring with both hands.
I am far from perfect. I write this as a reminder to myself of the things I know, the things I've learned, and as a way to remind myself to do what I know. The years I have my girls under my wing are growing short. I know they'll remember the mom who drove a trailer like a truck-driver, the nag-about-jobs mom, and the short-version mom. Hopefully they will remember me as patient, happy, and fulfilled. And I want them to remember that they make me smile, laugh, proud, and that I purely love being part of their lives & being their mom.
Ah I love this!
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